well the move is almost at hand and I grow more excited with each passing day. I am excited to do this by my self. single with no safty net.
I have many wishes for this next year, including getting back in shape and renewing my creative spirit. basic life matainance stuff. I also am hoping for a more stable mental state. I always seem to function a little bit better when I'm out on the edge, to state once again, without a net.
there are people and places I will miss. that goes without saying when sane humans are involved. but my eyes face forward, I feel the wind at my back, and the road rising up to meet me. I'm ready.

This month has taken many unexpected turns. Seeming for the longest time to only spiral further downward into feelings of anxiety and dissapointment. Like showing up to a party being the only one to not bring a dish, being underdressed, and getting a little too drunk. I have been very uncomfortable. However a night of true conversation, a day of just being, and laughter shared over common ground has, as it more often than not does, led the way to feeling more at peace with how thing lay. I don't pretend to know the future, of even how to proceed, but I do feel safer and finally comfortable. That being said I shall use my time.

I'm so lost as far as what to do come august. Each possibe happiness tainted. Every silver lining has a cloud and I
am damned either way. Fuck.

I am beyond tired. hell of a weekend though.

my name is rhys and i never update

In the summer sun, all the sidewalks looked bleached. the various sized rain puddles from last nights storm had all but evaporated, and the air already smelled both dry and of grass clippings. He was sitting in a little manufactured park in the middle of an office strip. Flicking ash from his cigarette off his jeans, he glanced at his watch. it was already after 3. He was going to be a little late to meeting her. Sitting there, daydreaming about the events of the last couple days, he grinned. The cross country drive and the afternoon spent taking in the small towns through Montana. The romance of last night in the small hotel room. People can get lost like this he thought. Buzzed on both romance and the future...it was nice.
The office door opened jarring him back to reality and three men in lab coats, scrubs, and white keds walked through laughing. He watched them continue to the parking lot and stand around apparently exchanging stories from last night, or last year, or whenever.
Standing up and taking the last couple drags from his cigarette, he snubbed it out in the sand filled ashtray and walked back in the door. The secretary had already finished his paper work and smiled to him.
"We are all set," she said excitedly, " do you have any more questions?"
"No, that should do it. I'm ready if you are"
With that being said, she left for the back room while he glanced around at all the the little inside office jokes and little toys covering her desk. He was anxious. He was excited. More than anything he wanted to see her face when she found out.
"Here we are." the secretary half sang as she came back into the room. Running ahead of her, panting and pulling against the leash, was the new member of the family. A 2 month old, american pitbull terrier, named Willy Lee.

What an unexpected and wonderful month. and it really didnt require any effort. all these new feelings just kinda fall into place in a way you would never expect. nothing about it scares me (which has never happened) im completely at peace with everything that has happened thus far...(that never happens) i dont even know what to write about (which is my usual curse when completely happy, the sad, embittered, and frustrated thoughts always fell on the page just a little bit easier) more to come.

i wonder how people would handle having to care for their own dead.*


*i have not written in this thing for a while, and when livejournal suggested i restored from a saved draft...this is what popped up. um...i dont know.

-the Asserter- (aka 8)

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.
* Be confident, strong, and direct.
* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
* Give me space to be alone.
* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being an asserter

* being independent
* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
* being courageous, straightforward, and honest
* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being an asserter

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
* never forgetting injuries or injustices
* putting too much pressure on myself
* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

*introspective as all get out lately. i blame this on the birthday i have comin' up fast.
*there is something rising up on the horizon that i can not talk about in an open forum quite yet, however if it should go down well...then a large portion of my next year should go very, very well. and if not i simply drive on. either of which would be fine however the limbo of not knowing what it will be is driving me bored as a hatter.
*100 proof irish whiskey is fucking amazing. the only thing better than a finger of this stuff is 5 fingers of this stuff.
*it needs to be winter. sever, unabashed, unyielding, jack london wouldnt fuck with this, winter
*i need a new house
*i need a new roommate
*i need point 2 to come to a head
*g'night.

well...
i no longer find myself with a girlfriend who sees fit to freak out about me writing an emotion down in live journal for the reasons of a. it's public and b. "oh my god, why didnt you tell me? do you feel more intimate with an internet full of strangers than you do me?
to both of these concerns i find myself befuddled and alarmed that i put up with this. anyway, long story short: im back. poor punctuation, mood swings, and all.

strange thoughts on a day like any other. tossed and indeed turned till the bed had had enough. images flashing in my head like bad italian art-core films from the early 80's. also experiencing home sickness sans location. i miss people. i miss people in homes from yesteryear as well as my current residence. contact comes and contact goes old friends pop up to say hi but...
strange visions of death pop in to say hi...mine, yours, someone else. and they are nevr epic film worth deaths. just death im going to go ahead and assume thats not good or normal.
i think i feel like there has been a stop in my creative output. artisticly impotent. actually i dont think impotency is the issure here. im sure i could create...i just dont.inert. ennui mixed with spastic desperation.
money is fine
love life is simply incredible
music is good
i drink way less
maybe im just wired wrong

bah

apparently it is more cold in the midwest than it is in alaska or moscow for that matter...myeah. other than that i miss this kind of jack london, bitter to the touch, "that's not the wind mocking you, that's god mocking you" kind of cold. i love it.

this s an evening where both the snow and the keyboard sticks. blankets outside and in. another one of those sleepless nights. the cold makes me happy as well. i always come alive this time of year. the sence of community it builds in eveyones surviving(or not) together. the way it makes getting home from work and settling down much more satisfying or the way getting ready to go out wonderful with everyone looking adorable in their winter coats. cigarettes smoked outside by onesself while its snowing always seemed more, oh i dont know, important or poetic or god who knows at the very least prettier.
i watched a three year old discover static electricity today. the giggling was much more cute and heart warming than id like to admit.
one more point of intrest is that i am shocked how happy i have been these past few months. i do not remember being this consistantly happy in years. there are still the same old (epic in my own mind) things that will probably always haunt/annoy/entertain when bored in the grocery store line me. but for the most part...things are good. im happy. im at peace with having moved back. nay...i now know i made the right decision.
to those in wisconsin. the snow only reminds me further how much i miss you all and yes inspite of the fight you became my hometown. i am sorry for the lack of a return. transmissions get the better of us all now and than and once i regain traveling capibilites i will come to collect whats rightfully annoying (my things + your house) if you doubt my motivation...all my winter coats/gloves are up there. im thinking about renting a truck.
other than that...there are some friends around here need and want dearly to get back into the habit of hanging out with regularly. hopefully you know who you are and if not you will get a call very soon.

a wonderful shade of fall descends on my fair city. it brings with it a cold making others complain and myself a little homesick. i feel good this morning. creative. talented. calm. treasuring that later more than anything. im sure this is impart to coffee with a dear friend this morning. i always leave our meetings with a certain feeling of...i dont know really. just a sort of "im really doing ok." the brand of hanging out that actually makes you appreciate your day just a little bit more. a much needed feeling as of late.

off to work...

too much on my mind...
man this is gonna get weirder before it gets normal.
so with that thought in mind i dedicate this...

Handgun and a bottle of boons
And a 69 ford and a new pair of shoes
Left from Indiana on '65
So I was just in time to
fall asleep at the wheel.

fucked up desires and feelings and fucked up impulses. they stroll through my head holding attention like a stuttering nightmare. i politely, patiently, stand by waiting for them to finish their thought all the while hoping that i am doing a good job at hiding my frantic looks around the room for a better conversationalist.
i was not ready for all of this. i am doing a good job at holding it together. i will until the crisis is over. fuck, im not entirely sure this can be classified as a crisis. why would it? when their is a death in the family(even a suicide) pain doesn't happen right away . Grief has a razors edge and thus nerves are severed. after time this blade dulls. the sharpness replaced by sudden awareness of the sting. the sort of thing where you go to call them like you've been able to your whole life however half way through looking up their number in your phone book the blade sings through the air..."fuck."
After a few more stages of grief pass you will find yourself dealing quite well. in fact you have no need to deal at all. sure, holidays come and youre just a little sad or lonely. book titles or old jokes trigger long gazes at nothing ending in a sigh-like punctuation. but your basically better. life went on.
what do you do when someone comes back to life? like a Lazarus come lately. youve got everything finely replaced. your life no matter how chaotic has moved on. even if you dont like it...its better than the alternative. what the fuck do you do when they arnt dead anymore?
i've got nothing...i ...well...yeah.
i've got nothing
*****************************************************************************
Offender Record
Last Name: DEER Custody Status: In Custody
First Name: RICHARD EDWARD Agency: Hamilton County Jail
Date of Birth: 01/13/1945 Race: White
Offender ID: 51788 Gender: Male
*****************************************************************************

is it wrong to let this fuck with me cuz i feel like im doing something wrong? maybe i consider it back-tracking after way to much work went into it.

i just quit smoking like 4 days ago(yes for the second time) and for family night my mom(yes the one who wins all fights) chose to watch "goodnight and good luck"...also one of my many brothers picks tonight to be more annoying than he has been in years...i did not know i was capable of such violent emotion and desire. i want blood...i want a cigarette more.